A- MUSE-in Cover Revolt

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Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Confusion of Hate?

The Why Of Hate?

Confusion, Sadness, those are emotion that rose within me when I learned of the bombings at the Boston Marathon. What madness drives anyone to destroy the future of so many innocent people and why would anyone be so uncaring about those lives?

I remember how I felt when I saw people jumping to a certain death from the Twin Towers to escape certain death on 9/11. What trigger inside their brains determined leaping to a death smashing into the concrete below would be better than facing the searing destruction of remaining in the building disintegrating around them?

Hate...I fully understand the power of indoctrination.

I was married to a man who spent the entirety of our eleven years together chipping away at my identity, destroying any of my beliefs in who I might think I am because to have any belief in my own worth would mean I might not agree that no one would ever look at me and see someone who possessed any beauty...

...therefore I was so very lucky my husband tolerated me enough to once in a awhile lash me with his bull whip until I bled enough to be lubricated so he could rape me wherever he wanted and give me moments of dubious pleasure.

I should be GRATEFUL his attention tore my flesh beyond repair because at least he gave me love.

Hate...I got away because despite his attempts at brainwashing...somewhere deep inside I knew he was wrong...somewhere deep inside I knew I was me.

I got us out.

Hate...I have justifiable reasons to hate all men. See my ex did not limit his violence against me to just him...oh no...he shared me. I honestly do not know how many he shared me with...so by the rights of the damned I should hate all men...but I have a glorious twist...he also shared me with women...some of the worst pain I endured came from women...women know how to hurt other women better than men do because they know the right spots.

Hate...I should hate EVERYONE! Why don't I.

I've been asked that very question. Why don't I hate all men after what my ex did to me?

My answer is simple. Why should I hate everyone for the deeds of few? Yes a lot did unspeakable things to me...things I will never recover fully from...but in the overall scheme of things, they really are only a few.

I sit here on planet earth one of God's children among many of His children. Yes they are misguided children, and they are in need of God's mercy, but there are others, good, loving, caring children, who are like me, confused by the violence, hurt by the rage, saddened by the misery, and disheartened by YOUNG children... YOUNG CHILDREN being so angry THEY resort to bombing innocent people.

If I do not hate after all I've been through...what could possibly drive children to commit such an act of extreme violence.

My heart bleeds...


  1. You must have posted between my bouts of writing and taking short breaks. :-)

    My heartaches along with you, dear Lin. I understand where you are coming from as we share those sort of experiences. I should hate all men, but I do not. I learned long ago it was a waste of energy to hate. It wasn't worth my time. It hurt me more then it did them. Which meant it was pointless. *sigh*

    I don't understand how people can hate for the reasons they claim. I can't wrap my head around it myself. I guess there are some things I'm just not meant to comprehend. Which is fine with me. I'd rather love, smile and laugh. I'll even take the times I make others smile and laugh.

    You are not alone Lin. }}hugs{{

  2. Dear One,

    You and I have valid reasons to hate, but have learned the uslessness of such an emotion. I am now a retired teacher. My students were the students the so called "normal" students ridiculed because mine could not hide their differences. They could not hide being born with Down Syndrome, nor could they hide their total joy in the simplest things in life. To me, they were placed her to remind the rest of us that life can be enjoyed by loving the simple things. Who needs the explensive toys to find the giggles burbling inside us?

    I had a very sweet thirteen year old come to me after school one day. She wanted to tell me she'd decided she was going to have a baby because then she'd have someone who'd love her. My heart broke. I tried to talk her out of it, but she was determined. I tried to get her to talk with the counselor, but she already had. You and I both know where her decision was taking her and the child she would one day have. I don't know if she went through with her plan. She moved out of our district, but there were many other girls like her who thought they'd find love in having a baby.

    Hate and love...why is hate so easy to create and love so difficult to find?